Webmistress's Log

Video log today because I am simply 2 lazy 2 write ... Zzzzzz

I'm not really sure what to write here but I wanted to make a log page to record my thoughts and maybe someone out there will read them and have some advice for me..... I don't really have anyone to talk to in real life, so I get stuck arguing with myself over the same made up problems and drive myself into week-long mental breakdowns. Haha I'm sure that's not a serious problem.
Anyway.. I'm feeling very lonely lately. On the one hand it's easy to get lonely when you live in the dark woods in a tiny house and spend all day in your tiny beige room on the computer. In a town with 1000 people on an isolated island where 70% of the population are senior citizens. When you don't go to school and do online class instead so you never interact with people you don't already know and rarely see the sunlight. When the only thing people your age do for fun is go to abandoned cabins in the woods and get blackout drunk. I'm making my life sound really depressing.
On the other hand, I get good grades.. I have hobbies.. I'm "talented", It's not like I have nothing going for me.. I have more friends than I ever imagined I'd have, even if we don't really have much in common and I don't see them as much as I'd like.
My life really isn't that bad. It could be much worse, it has been much worse. I mean, I once spent an entire year without speaking to anyone outside my family and spending the majority of every single day thinking about my own death, crying myself to sleep every night without fail. This is heaven compared to that. But despite all that I'm still miserable. I still have a constant sinking feeling that I'm missing out, I'm not doing something I should be doing, I'm alone, I have no future, things are only going to get worse and I'm wasting the last enjoyable years of my life. Are these just textbook depression symptoms? Well yeah. But I can't help but find the partial truth in my irrational thoughts. These are not the teenage years I dreamed of as a kid, because that classic American high school experience just doesn't exist where I live. It hurts to know I'm missing out on that, and that I made it worse by leaving normal school and doing online school instead. For a person who, for better or for worse, depends on the company of other people to keep myself sane, I made pretty much the worst possible decision. But now it's too late, if I switch back I won't graduate on time. I've isolated myself from my peers purposefully, after spending the last 16 years wanting desperately to be one of them and trying in vain to understand and integrate myself into normal society. WHY would I do this to myself? But yeah, I'm stuck with that unfortunate decision now.
My only hope is that college will be better.. but I have very little faith in that. I can't be positive about the future when it feels Like a bottomless ravine in front of the cliff I'm going to be thrown off of the minute I graduate from high school. I've never been able to do the things other people can, so why would this be any different... but maybe. Maybe I'll go to school in a cool city with a music scene and underground comic publishers and meet all the cool weird people of my dreams ahh wouldn't that be great <3
But then that train of thought just leads to more problems.. college is so fucking expensive! I can't go anywhere I want because I'd have to promise my hand and my firstborn son to afford it! What if I can't get by without my parents! How will I afford rent and food! ..See the problem with my brain?
Anyway, I'm tired.. zzzzzzz