This was not a great day. Neocities probably isn't the place to come to complain about that but I don't have anyone else to talk to so here I am,, :P
Today one of my only friends decided she doesn't want to speak anymore. We've only known eachother for half a year, and I've had friends I've known since elementary school randomly decide to cut me off before so it could be worse I guess. But it still hurts because I thought we were such good friends..
We just got along so well, we became best friends right away and the first time I came to her house we talked for hours, told eachother all our deepest secrets (dumb i know,,), and she didn't even want me to leave. She said so many nice things to me, how I seemed so cool and she always wanted to be friends with me but thought I didn't like her, how I was pretty and interesting, how she couldn't imagine why anyone would abandon me like my other friends. I was so happy to finally have someone who liked being around me but I guess I should have found that more weird. She was kind of obsessed with me, I guess.
The third time we hung out she kind of vaguely jokingly said she liked me.. which I rejected by accident because I'm dumb and thought she was completely joking and I guess I got uncomfortable and brushed it off @_@ because all my friends in the past have constantly hit on me, flirted with me, groped me and even kissed me etc as a joke but turns out some of them were actually serious and now I can't tell when people actually like me or not.. but that's another story. Anyway, I feel bad about that. But I really didn't know how to respond or even fully understand what she was saying. Eventually I realized she was serious and thought I might give it a try, but like a week later she got a boyfriend who she was super into so I let it be. I still thought we were really good friends even though now I was the one with the one sided crush... bad timing I know. But things still seemed good between us.
Sadly that relationship went badly. After it ended she got really depressed and stopped talking to me, but I gave her space because she seemed like she didn't want to talk and I figured she needed to be alone. I don't know if that was the right decision but Its what I did. But ever since then, even after she started talking to me again, progressively, very slowly over time, she started getting distant, not asking to hang out, avoiding me, not responding to me, being mean and overly combative to me for no reason that I could tell, like randomly telling me to shut up and stop talking in the middle of a normal conversation. It kinda made me feel bad but I'm so used to dealing with weird confusing and moody people so I just figured she was going through something. I'm not gonna get into all the petty things that stuck with me, but she clearly didn't want me around anymore and wouldn't be up front about it. the last straw was when we were walking to the room we eat lunch in and she turned into a different room, so i asked what she was doing through the door. She stood in front of the door glaring at me before she opened it and told me she was eating lunch there and walked back in without waiting. So I followed her to see her walk up and sit down next to this other girl and they both started talking like best friends. She just ignored me when I asked if I should stay so I left. At that point I just accepted I wasn't wanted.
I thought I might as well ask what was wrong, so I texted her. I don't know what I expected but what I got really hurt more than I thought it would.
Her message just said "this friendship takes too much effort because of your shyness and indecisive nature, I feel like I carry the friendship and it's wearing me out."
Getting that text just gave me this cold, miserable feeling I can't really describe. I didn't know how to respond.. I didn't know she cared about my "shyness", it never affected our friendship at all. That's something I've had to deal with as long as I've been alive and it took so much effort and improvement to get to where I am now. I really thought it was working but now this just reminds me that I'll never be normal.
And on top of that, those last few months, I was the only one who planned things and asked her to hang out, and the rare times she would agree, she seemed like she'd rather be anywhere else. When I started conversations she barely responded. yet somehow, she feels that she carried our friendship. I don't understand. When we were getting along, I wanted to be around her all the time and loved talking to her so much.
I said as much to her, and at the end of the message I reminded her of the tickets we bought for a concert soon, hoping it wouldn't be awkward since we were still going together.
All I got back was "I'm not worried about the tickets, we'll go separately." That felt worse than the first message. She didn't bother responding to anything else I said. She read my response to that and ignored it. I guess that's it.
It hurts so bad how just a month before she would text me whatever she was thinking about, we would walk her dog after school and talk for hours about all our problems, bake cookies and watch terrible shows together, and I really felt like I found someone who understood me, but as quick as it started its gone just like that and she doesn't seem to care. Did I really mean that little? I don't know.
Now I'm trying to rationalize why this would happen. I can't believe she would really cut me off over something so shallow. Maybe I really hurt her by rejecting her by accident but if she wanted it that bad why couldn't she have been straightforward? I'll always regret brushing her off but she started dating someone else right away and seemed perfectly happy so I don't know.
I guess looking back there were some red flags though. She broke up with her ex boyfriend simply because he was depressed, and she would threaten to kill and torture him constantly as a "joke". She was also a chronic gossip, any little thing was fair game. She told me about the most vulnerable and weak moments of people she knew as though they were character flaws. Even tiny personality quirks that annoyed her would be constantly complained about, even when it came to people I thought were her close friends. I remember thinking "if i ever get on her bad side, I'm screwed :P" but for some reason I ignored my good sense.. i guess i was just so lonely and wanted things to work out so bad.
I had already kind of accepted that it was over but now I miss her, I miss her stupid smile and stupid jokes and her cute haircut and style and naivety and how she always wanted to hear what I had to say, and I miss her adorable dog too. But that's just one more year of memories with someone who doesn't want anything to do with me anymore, this has already happened so many times. I get too attached and scare people away I guess. Maybe I'm te problem. I know I'm hard to deal with, I know I depend on my friends too much and end up pushing them away. I just can't help it. I don't know what to do. But maybe its actually not a big deal at all and I'm just losing it. I don't knowwwww :(